Love & Marriage

A tourist in Moscow asks a well-endowed woman who’s standing near a hotel entrance, "Do you speak English?"
"A little," she says, smiling.
"How little?" he asks.
"Two hundred dollars…".

Two young women are talking.
"I’m going to marry a man I fall in love with."
"Me too, if I don’t find anything better."

"Honey," she says, "after our marriage I’ll share with you all your troubles and problems."
"But, dear," he replies, "I don’t have any."
"But we’re not married yet," she says.

Says she: "Honey, I think you love soccer more than me!"
Says he, "Well, uh, dear, but I love you more than hockey!"

A drunken man comes home from a hunting trip and announces to his wife, "You won’t need to buy meat this month, honey!"
"Did you get a moose?"
"No, I spent all of my paycheck on booze!"

Two men, once close friends, meet after twenty years. One of them invites the other over to his house for a dinner. During dinner, the guest has to hide his surprise when he sees eighteen children in his friend’s house:
"You must be happy in your marriage; the house full of kids. Isn’t it nice!" the guest says to his friend when they step outside for a smoke.
"I wish. You don’t know my wife. She eats at me day and night."
"Then, why did you father so many kids?"
"Well, I figured it’s much easier to get lost in a crowd."

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father’s den, "I’d like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You’re too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don’t have any cash left on me."