The Americans purchase Lenin’s body and place it in a little display at the top of the Empire State Building. Then one day Lenin gets up, gazes down on New York, and says with a smile of a deep satisfaction, "What a beauty! Exactly as I was telling the comrades what our future would be!"

A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter.
A colleague asks, "What is it you’re laughing about?"
"Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says.
"A joke? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!"

A Vietnamese jet fighter pilot is flying his MiG-17 near enemy positions when he sees a Phantom appearing out of nowhere and locking in on him. He pulls out his manual, quickly scans it, and then presses a yellow button. The next moment he sees a cloud of smoke and metallic rubble, the leftovers of the Phantom.
The Vietnamese pilot doesn’t put back his manual away yet, when he sees two more Phantoms coming down on him, ready to attack. Following the manual once more, he presses a green button this time. Both Phantoms, hit by rockets, go down almost simultaneously and before either could open fire.
"Now it’s time to relax," the pilot thinks to himself. But he has to change his thinking again in a hurry when he spots a pack of Phantoms getting into an attack formation. He once again quickly finds the solution in his manual: Press the red button. And so he does.
The Vietnamese pilot then feels a pat on his shoulder, and he hears a voice with a thick Russian accent saying, "Hey, buddy, hop over. Let me get both of us out of this mess…".

Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they’re standing before their sergeant:
"How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?"
"Well, comrade Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance."
"Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I can only imagine how drunk you were to end up in the opera!"